Raising Real Men

A reader wrote in last week asking for help with a son’s difficulty:

We are trying to “prep” our 13 year old son for an interview at our local history museum. He would like to volunteer there but they seem sceptical as to “why any 13 year old boy would want to” (according to the receptionist.) We will have our son speak for himself both in the areas of his knowledge of the Civil War but also for his character, to the director of the museum. Any suggestions?

My first thought is that of course a 13 year old who loves history wants to hang around a museum and talk about the Civil War all day. Makes perfect sense to me! It may not be “normal,” I’ll grant, but I tell our kids normal means “average” and I don’t intend to raise “average” kids.

It struck me that this is a perfect example of one of our society’s major failures — we don’t think our young people are capable of doing something useful, unless it fits restricted categories of yardwork, babysitting, and fast food jobs (now that bagging groceries, pumping gas, and delivering newspapers have gone out of fashion).

As a practical matter, we encouraged this family to do what they already planned — to let their young man speak for himself and take the initiative in contacting the museum and meeting with the director.  They might want to do some practice interviews at home, and ask the most obvious, undesireable questions (like, “Why in the world would a teenager want to spend his free time hanging around indoors at the museum? Aren’t you a little young to be talking with adult visitors?”) so he can gain confidence and figure out how to answer the tough ones.

[Side note: My experience has been, if there is a question you find yourself praying, "Lord, just don't let them ask that," then that is exactly the question you need to be ready to answer. This is true whether it's a final exam, a job interview, or a session on the CBS Evening News - and I've done all three.]

I’d suggest the museum think about Albert Woolson’s story. He was the last surviving veteran of the War Between The States, and he was just 14 when he enlisted as a drummer boy in the 1st Regiment, Minnesota Heavy Artillery, in 1864. He had a lot of company then, on both sides of the field, but he was the last man standing when he died in 1956.  Admiral David Farragut of the U.S. Navy was a seasoned veteran by the time he reached The Battle of Mobile Bay, but he was an 11-year-old midshipman on the USS Essex during the War of 1812 … just another example.

Surely if a young guy could serve in his nation’s army or navy at that age, don’t you think one could handle himself at the local history museum a couple of afternoons a week? Or maybe this museum doesn’t really need volunteers, to be so quick to turn one away?

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Do you or your son need a new vision of what young men can accomplish? Like some ideas for non-traditional jobs and projects that your student might consider? Our workshop “Do Real Things” might be just what you need. Order the CD for $5.00 and shipping.

There are few disasters as riveting as a shipwreck. Thankfully they are very, very rare these days. This weekend was one of the exceptions, as the cruise ship Costa Concordia struck a reef off the coast of Italy and sank in shallow water near Isla di Giglio.

It’s too soon to know the full story of why the ship was off course and steering into the narrow channel. There are probably explanations of why the crew members initially told passengers to sit tight, it was just an electrical problem. Truth, rumor and conjecture get hopelessly mixed in an emergency, and compared to other events like an airplane crash or a building fire, a shipwreck happens in slow motion. Maybe there was an electrical problem which interfered with navigation and steering, and at the moment, some crew members had no better information themselves. Hopefully the truth will come out soon.

What is immediately disturbing though is reports that the captain left the vessel almost immediately after the collision, and that men among the passengers did not give place to “women and children first” as the call went out. What was expected as the duty of a gentleman in 1912 – as husbands and fathers, let alone unaccompanied men, gave up their places on the lifeboats of the Titanic – seems to be slipping away as the constant drumbeat of women-and-men-are-no-different erodes the biblical norms in our culture.

This “every man for himself” behavior happens when men are not taught from early years that their first responsibility in a disaster is not to preserve themselves, but to make sure that they use their strength and leadership to save others first. The greater the honor and position, the greater the responsibility — Jesus said,

“For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more “ (Luke 12:48), and

“Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends,“ (John 15:13).

That’s what makes the captain’s action the most shameful. No one expects him to go down with his ship (and in the shallows, he’d have to dive overboard to make the gesture). We do expect that the commander makes sure his passengers and crew are accounted for before saving his sorry hide himself.

How should a young man look at an emergency?

1. First, a man needs to stay calm. When people lose their composure, they act foolishly and do things like run past escape routes, ignore empty lifeboats, and trample other people.  When men panic, it can frighten other people into losing their cool, too. Rudyard Kipling wrote about steadfastness in the face of catastrophe and he started his manifesto for manhood with the words,

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too; …

It’s that important.

2. Figure out where you can help.  A young man by himself needs to look for someone who needs assistance. It might be an older adult or a family with children or a young person without a guardian. It may be someone injured or in need of comfort. Occasionally it might be help with the crew, holding a door or helping carry a piece of equipment or rescue supplies.

A young man with companions needs to look out for their needs.  Are you able to assist your mother, sisters, younger brothers, grandparents? Then do so as your primary responsibility. 

But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Timothy 5:8)

3. Women and children first.  The reports from the Costa said part of the problem was men unwilling to be separated from their families. This is totally understandable and indeed, honorable, if there’s clearly room for all. In this case, the list of the ship made it impossible to launch many of the lifeboats and rafts.  The blessing was that the ship was plainly just a few hundred yards from the shore, and even a non-swimmer in a life vest should have been able to paddle his way to safety in the calm conditions. (Remembering Rule 1, stay calm.)

How to manage this? I think the key was probably to recognize separation was almost certainly just temporary. If the men had agreed with their wives on how they would make contact on shore, they could have escaped by separate ways with less anxiety. In this case, agree to stay with the group as much as possible, or if separated there too,  leave word with the police on shore when you make land. In other circumstances, you might agree to meet at the car, or the restaurant across the street, or at the mailbox at the corner – any landmark in the area, a little ways from the emergency. Beside the anxiety over possible loss of life, the simple worry of being lost and alone is frightening.  Having a plan, even one improvised at the moment, is a great comfort.

Emergencies do happen, and we’ve found a young man with a clear head can be a rock to those around him. It can mean the difference between life and death sometimes, without rushing into the teeth of danger but just by finding the safest way out of it.  This disaster, with its great drama but limited tragedy, is a terrific opportunity to talk about how to handle the ultimate stress as a real man should.

PHOTO: Roberto Vongher, Wikipedia 

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Boys need heroes, and they’ll seek them out if we don’t provide them. Our workshop, “Where’s Roy Rogers When You Need Him?” has practical ideas for finding worthwhile role models in real life, history, and the culture, and help you teach your whole family how to be more discerning about what they see in the media!  CD is just $5 plus shipping.

Every year I try to collect a few things from the news that speak to manhood — either a great example of true, noble, God-honoring masculinity, or a cautionary example of how easily we men fall victim to our own weaknesses.  Every year, there are plenty of examples of both types. We don’t claim these are the biggest or most significant, but we offer them as items which caught our eye.

When we were young, a boy had to led astray by an unruly friend or find an ungodly uncle’s stash to be tempted by pornography. Not so, now. Now, it’s lurking in the sidebars when he checks the football stats and is emailed to him by spammers. Boys don’t even have to go looking for it; it comes delivered straight to them. A guy can hardly avoid being tempted by it…every day!

It’s pretty horrifying looking at your little guy and thinking about him sitting in front of the computer screen looking at garbage like that, but the research is showing that boys are being exposed to internet pornography earlier and earlier, and more and more seriously. We’ve heard of boys as young as ten getting their fathers in trouble at work by looking at porn on their dads’ laptops. How can we protect them? How can we keep them out of the red light district when it’s right there in our own living room?

Here are a few things that you can do to protect your sons as much as possible:

• Talk about sexuality with your boys early and often, in the course of normal life, and always in the context of God’s law, marriage, and family. “Yes, son, that lady is dressed inappropriately. She’s showing parts of her body God meant for her husband alone. I wonder how he feels about that?”
• Warn them that temptation lurks out there and they have an enemy who desires to harm them and their future wives (Porn is not a victimless crime, it harms the watcher, the watcher’s mate, the subjects, and their families). Show them how to shrink a window to hide a sidebar, remind them to think carefully what they are searching on, tell them never to guess at a url.
• Install accountability software on every computer your family has access to. We like Covenant Eyes, we’ve used it for years. It will email you an easy to check report on each user in your family each week. Just knowing they are bound to get caught is a great deterrent.
• Teach them how to fight temptation when it comes. Here’s an excerpt from our book that explains how we do it:

A Fist to Knock Away Temptation

We do our best to protect our sons from temptation, but we know it is impossible to avoid it entirely – our own hearts provide temptation! Sons need to know what to do when they face the desire to sin. We tell our sons to use five important tools to fight off immoral thoughts:

1. Leave the situation. This is so important. If you are in the bathroom, get dressed and get out. If you are in bed, get up. If you are at a friend’s house, go home. Leave a situation that tempts you.

2. Pray and ask the Lord for forgiveness and help.

3. Read your Bible. The Word is a light to our feet and will guide us to do what is right.

4. Sing praises or hymns to God. Sometimes music can break through the coldness of our hearts.

5. Go to your authority and ask for help. Our sons have each done this more than once. They say, “Mom and Dad, I just keep having bad thoughts. Will you pray for me?”

We lift a finger for each of these as we remind them, then close all five into a fist and say, “Five ways that make a fist to knock away temptation.” We remind our sons of this often, because it is important that they realize that they are not helpless before temptation, but that God always gives a way of escape.

Raising Real Men, pp215-116

It’s a scary time to raise a boy. The enemy seems more determined than ever to embroil our sons in sin that will affect them all their lives. The worst thing we can do in the battle to protect our sons’ purity is to pretend there’s no battle at all. That leaves our boys unarmed and unprepared. Instead, we have got to overcome our own shyness, face the battle head on and prepare our sons to be warriors instead of victims. God hasn’t left us and He gives us all we need to follow Him. We want our boys to grow up to be truly knights in shining armor for their princesses.

For more on this topic, check out our hourlong workshop, Shining Armor: Your Son’s Battle for Purity. Use the link above or the discount code raisingrealmen to receive a free month of Covenant Eyes – and help support our ministry.

Hal & Melanie

Hal & Melanie Young are the authors of Raising Real Men: Surviving, Teaching and Appreciating Boys, Christian Small Publishers’ 2011 Book of the Year. Check out their own blog, join them on Facebook, and follow them on Twitter.

Copenhagen photo by Electra Stavrou

Originally Published at the MOB Society

I think most of us get reflective this time of year. A lot of us make resolutions with good intentions. A lot fewer do it with a real sense of purpose, aiming not only to resolve but to actually set things in place to make it happen.

About sixteen years ago, Phyllis Sather’s husband came to her and suggested the two of them take a few days off “and set some goals” for their family. Phyllis admits she wasn’t enthusiastic. With three young children, a major home rennovation planned, and a four year old just diagnosed with leukemia,

the thought of that sounded appalling to me.  Setting goals meant you had to meet them, didn’t it? I was in “survival” mode, barely making it through each day. The thought of all that failure was just too much for me at that time of my life.

Against her fears, she agreed to the idea. Much to her surprise, the exercise was so beneficial and enjoyable, she suggested they do it again the next year and bring the kids along. Since then the “Annual Planning Weekend” has become an anticipated family event, coming a mid-winter vacation with time for personal reflection, dreaming, and relationship building. How do you make this happen? You can start by reading her newly revised e-book Purposeful Planning.

The timing couldn’t be better for us. We set aside a few hours every New Year to discuss what the Lord’s done for us the past twelve months, and where we should be heading for the next twelve (we wrote about it here). We don’t leave home to do it, so I was curious if the Sathers’ experience would adapt to our own family’s practice.

In short, it does, and Purposeful Planning offers a lot more.

Phyllis acknowledges our tendency to be overwhelmed by things which are urgent rather than preparing and completing the things which are most important. To get a better handle on their family life, she and her husband Dan developed a list of areas where they wanted to focus attention and resources. Phyllis shares several lists of questions they consider about their relationship as a couple, the personal and spiritual growth of both parents and children; the state of their homeschooling, and their financial health.

A couple of interesting insights is their discussion about their house. Rather than asking how to make their home more comfortable for themselves or build up resale value, they consider it as a place for ministry, and ask what changes will make it more useful for hospitality and other outreach.  That recognizes our house shouldn’t be a temple to our prosperity but a gift of God’s provision, and a tool for use in His kingdom.

There doesn’t seem to be significant mention of Dan’s career planning outside the home. I expect he deals with that elsewhere, and reserves this time for family matters. I’ve come to realize myself, though, that outside employment for the most part is the thing we do to provide for the truly important ministry God gives us in our family and other relationships.

Purposeful Planning is a great collection of ideas which will help you really think about where you’re heading as a family, rather than bouncing from one crisis to another and hoping for the best. You’ll also find useful ideas about family vacations, ways to improve your leisure time, and encouragement to have celebrations  which really make a difference in your family life.

Plus if you order it now, you have time to start planning while the New Year is fresh!

Phyllis Sather’s Purposeful Planning is available direct from the author (the best way!), right here.

RELATED POSTS:
Toward A More Godly, Family-Building New Year - how we celebrate with purpose
Counting Our Days - the value of keeping a journal, and some ways to make it easy

This morning I went into the hospital for a medical procedure.

“Who will be driving you home?”

Our 16 year old had brought me because they hadn’t mentioned someone 18 or older would need to sign the discharge paperwork, so he’d headed home.

“I don’t know. My son went to trade with one of his older brothers.”

The nurse seemed non-plussed, “How many children do you have?”

“Eight and they are all home! We are having a wonderful time. That’s why I don’t know who will come.”

Quite often when we share that we have eight children, folks at first feel sorry for me, though I soon disabuse them of that notion, then worry about the world, “But, what about overpopulation?” so I was delighted to see the topic of the Jeub Family’s blog post today, Global Problems Concerning Fertility. The Jeub Family blog is one of the very few that I have on rss feed and regularly read. It’s worth it.

My background is in the hard sciences, so I have been very interested to see how very far the popular conception of issues like global warming and overpopulation differs from the science available. Continue reading »

Twelve Days of Christmas – December 26, 2011 through January 6, 2012. Celebrate Celebrate with us by receiving a gift for the season!

We are partnering with Homeschooling Today magazine to bring you a special gift and discount on  December 27th!

Go to www.HomeschoolingToday.com now to sign up on the home page for the Homeschooling Helper e-newsletter to receive our offer via e-mail on the above date. Homeschooling Today will send a special discount or gift from a different vendor each day of the Twelve Days of Christmas, but only to their readers. So don’t miss some wonderful offers to get your new year off right! Sign-up now so you don’t miss a thing!

“We’d like for you to sing traditional carols at the Tree Lighting.”

“Wonderful, that is just what we love to do.”

Our homeschool history club advisor was glad when the organizers of our town’s tree lighting ceremony finally called. It was someone different this year and we needed to know how long they wanted us to sing. For years, our group had gone caroling in historical costume to the businesses downtown, ending up at the Tree Lighting where we sang favorite Christ-honoring carols. It was a nice contrast to the groups from the local public schools that sang bland and irrelevant songs, like “Winter Nights, Winter Lights,” as if a mention that the lights were actually about celebrating Christmas would cause a Constitutional crisis.

“Do you have any favorites you’d like us to do? “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”? “Joy to the World”?” our dear advisor asked.

“Huh? No, we wanted you to sing traditional carols! Don’t you know any? You know, like “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” and “Frosty the Snowman.” Continue reading »

“Can I talk to you privately?”

It wasn’t an unusual request, so I stepped aside with her. “I need to ask you about my son. I think he may be…I’m afraid he might be…showing some tendencies toward being…Oh, I think something’s wrong with him! Maybe he’s a psychopath or something!”

My eyebrows went up. “What would make you think that?” I replied, wondering if she was going to tell me he was torturing small animals or being a firebug. Continue reading »