When You’re Worried Your Son is Going to Go Too Far
A mom asked, We did the hard press for courtship/dating with a purpose. And it worked – sorta. My son is head over heels for his girlfriend. Sex is coming. It just is. They still say they want to wait. They aren’t rebelling by going to her apartment, but he’s in a battle between his hormones/desires and what he knows to be right.
But, it is gonna happen.
They do say they are marriage minded, which I believe. But, I’m just worried. And feeling like I’m watching an avalanche get started. And they are GENUINE when they say they want to wait, but I see it sliding faster than they can stop it.
First, it is NOT inevitable. We know many people who were sorely tempted, but made it all the way to marriage without sexual sin in their relationship. It’s important that you believe that it’s possible, because if you don’t, your son may not believe it, either. After all, you are mom.
Instead, you need to have a serious, calm, adult-to-adult conversation with him. If young adults are determined to sin, it’s very easy for them to do that, as you know. This has got to be their commitment. You can do a lot to help, though!
He needs to understand that the temptation is real and it only grows. He can’t take this lightly. “Son, God designed us to have desires that would draw us to marriage. A romantic relationship grows closer and closer until you can hardly stand not to consummate it. You’re going to be tempted to think, ‘Well, what difference does it make? We’re going to be married soon anyway.’ It does. It matters big time. Here’s why.
He needs to understand that his actions speak more loudly than his words when it comes to love. “If you decide to have sex before marriage, you are in effect saying to her, ‘I care more about myself than I do you. I care more about satisfying this physical urge than I care about you being humiliated. I care more about my satisfying my lust than I care about our baby being born without the protection of my name and our marriage.’ You are, in essence, saying, “I do not love you,” because love puts someone else’s needs ahead of your own.'” That’s not a good message to send to someone you want to marry.
He needs to realize that this sin undermines his role in marriage. “God made you to be the head of your home and the protector and leader of your wife and family, especially spiritually. Having sex before marriage says, ‘As your spiritual leader, I will lead you into sin because I want to sin.’ Son, that destroys your leadership and her trust in you to be her protector. That can damage your marriage for years.”
He needs to really get that it’s his responsibility. “Son, it’s up to you. You have to make a commitment here. Are you really a Christian? Do you really love this woman? If so, if you want to please God, if you love her, if you want what’s best for her, then you need to set some rules for yourself to make sure you stay out of temptation. You need to make sure you handle this time in a godly and honorable way.”
Sometimes, helping our guys think things through is the help they need to stand strong. They’re under a lot of temptation and it’s easy for them to justify sin. Your job is to strip off the deceit and highlight the real issues, so he can more easily make a decision to do the right thing and so he will have the motivation to keep doing it.
We have a book for young men to help them gain a Biblical attitude toward sexuality that might help, too. It’s called Love, Honor, and Virtue and it is getting great reviews! Maybe it will help your son, too.
Hal & Melanie