The study by professors at Baylor and Brigham Young University found that Islamic marriage traditions — multiple wives, dowries, and very expensive wedding ceremonies — means younger sons often find themselves short on resources and unable to meet cultural expectations to marry and raise sons. Choosing martyrdom offers social respect, a sensual afterlife according to Islam, and often, monetary compensation for his family when he dies.

For a third or fourth son, there may be no money left for a dowry, [BYU professor Valerie Hudson] explained. Thus he is unable to officially become a man as the head of a household and is racked with feelings of emasculation and humiliation.

“You get an appreciation for how desperate these individuals are,” [Baylor professor Brad Thayer] said. “If you put yourself in their shoes … they are individuals who think that people are going to be better off … when they’re gone.”

This is so well understood in the Middle East that terrorist organizations and governments have encouraged or even subsidized members to marry, in order to tone down uncontrollable elements in their already-radicalized ranks. 

(The article appeared in the 3/30 issue of The Desert News, linked here.)

I was given this book, Raising Real Men, by the authors Hal & Melanie Young in exchange for my honest review. As I have been reading this book, I have been so very encouraged to allow my boys to take risks and adventures and not be over “motherly” in protecting them. As I was reading chapter 3, I was asking myself, “Do my boys even try to be adventurous or have I sqashed that tendency in them?” Well, I got to thinking. Yes. They do! Wes immediately came to mind. He is 11 and he likes to ride his skateboard outside, even without me being there. HA! He loves going to the checkout lanes and paying for his own items while I am in another lane and not necessarily in the lane next to him. He loves to climb trees, too. As for Nathanael, my 13 year old, he has a beautiful voice but refuses to sing out loud at church. I now understand that I need to encourage him to use his gift for God and even if he doesn’t want to sing in public, that his singing around the house encourages me in the Lord. Nate shows that he wants to be a conquerer by  taking most of the grocery bags (which are usually overfilled) from my vehicle to the kitchen cabinet in as little trips as possible. He will load up those bags on his arms until it has taken either most of his strength or all of his space (fingers, hands, arms). What a great book to help me see these qualities in my sons. Now, back to reading. . . .

Today is one week later and I have completed reading the book. I highly recommend you get this book if you have sons. One phrase really struck me. It was “Our job is to shape and prepare the arrows so when they are released, they fly straight and true on their own.” How true this is. Our children are the arrows and it is our job, not our parent’s, the government’s, or anyone else’s, to shape and prepare our children for when they leave home.

I have learned quite a bit on raising boys and how to encourage them to be “chivalrous.” I wish I had this book when my boys were younger, but since I didn’t, I will work extra hard to encourage my boys (now 11 & 13) to be more attentive to the needs of those around them.

Tina Brown

Mom of 7 Kids Blog