Tired. Stressed. Harried. Struggling financially. Arrrggghhhh.

Those are the most common words on our friends’ Facebook statuses — and they’re mostly Christians. When life becomes this hard, our marriages can take a back seat to survival. We become just coworkers and housemates when we’re supposed to be so much more than that.

We thought January would be the perfect time to  do something about that. Marriage is the glue that holds our families together and we can’t afford to let it get all stiff and crusty, can we? Enter…

Marriage Boot Camp!

A guy-friendly, fun and inspiring series of weekly LIVE webinars with Hal & Melanie leading up to Valentine’s Day!

For more information or to register now (we’ll give you a refund if you win this door prize!), click here.

Enter to win a free registration to Marriage Boot Camp through PunchTab or by leaving a comment below!

I’m not an “early adopter” of whatever comes down the road–I think I didn’t upgrade to Windows 95 until Windows 98 came out. Movies are a little different, and there may not be many days left in the theater schedule for this one. My two-word recommendation: GO NOW. The extended recommendation: GO NOW, AND TAKE YOUR SONS.

“Courageous” is the story of five men in a small Georgia town, each of them grappling with issues of fatherhood–their relationship with their fathers as boys, and their own performance as dads now that their turn has come. Each of them has issues to confront, and some are seriously troubled; there are situations with divorce and joint custody, abandonment, unwed parents and absentee fathers. The central character, a sheriff’s deputy named Adam Mitchell (played by Alex Kendrick), is a basically decent man with a defective relationship with his son and obvious favor for his younger daughter. He is wrenched into facing his complacent–and inadequate–approach as a father; his soul searching spreads to his friends, and you see how God’s grace and a commitment to honor Him in their roles as fathers and men plays out in different families, situations, and temptations.

There are discussions, examples, and warnings on a range of family issues. How can a man reconnect with a son who’s become alienated toward him? What can a father do to protect his daughter’s heart? How do you hold on to faith in a loving God in the face of death, poverty, fear, and shame? What can you do when the father is absent–or when you find yourself in that role?

None of these can be explored in detail in the short compass of a feature film, but the important thing is the basic themes and principles which are displayed: Fathers are critically important for a child, especially a son. A man has to take responsibility for his wife, his children, and his own actions. God expects a lot from us as men–and He will provide the guidance and strength we need. And a father must “Never let go of the wheel,” as one character learns to his sadness–not to tyrannize his family (this is never implied, even in the more defective families shown), but to keep guiding them toward the place God would have them go.

Four of the men are sheriff’s deputies, and this is a way to explore the problems fatherlessness is creating in many communities–gang membership, drug use, and generations of irresponsible behavior. It also shows how no one is immune to similar problems; Adam is faithful to his wife, a generally upright man, at least nominally Christian, but through conflict with his son and distraction of his high-pressure, dangerous occupation, is slipping into patterns of the absent father even while he’s home every evening. This is important to emphasize; it’s too easy to point to the illegitimacy rate and criminality in some areas, or the infidelity and worldliness wrecking other families, and say, “Thank you, Lord, that I am not like other men.” More often, we need a prophet Nathan to catch our lapels and say, “Thou art the man.”

The film has some pretty intense action sequences–they’re deputies, after all–and sometimes there are children in danger (none are ever shown hurt). There is a pretty brutal gang initiation scene and some serious fights between the deputies and suspects. One suspect is wounded in a shootout (it didn’t seem to slow him down much!) and there is a very little bit of blood after a fight scene (about the level of a bruise and a busted lip). My nine-year-old son has a sensitive spirit and a few scenes made him uncomfortable, but okay with Dad’s arm around him. He did say he was glad the movie was made from a Christian perspective, so he knew it would turn out okay.

Frankly, there were several scenes which caught me emotionally. As someone once told me, and as I told my sons afterward, once you’re a husband and father, you never read the newspaper the same way again–any time a woman or child is in danger, it tears at you in a way you never knew as a single guy. And the conflicts these men come through are pretty familiar territory for us guys.

One that doesn’t play much part here is sexual. There are things in the backstory of some characters — one confesses he had “a hookup with a cheerleader” in college and when he told her to “take care of it,” she chose not to have an abortion. One man mentions his father “had an affair” and another that his parents never married–in fact, that his father had six children with three different women, and he never met him. However, there isn’t any overt sex in the movie–some quiet expressions of affection like the kids might see in the kitchen, but nothing to hide their eyes from. I thought I heard one profanity in the climactic scene, and it was indistinct enough I probably misheard it; again, not something I’d worry over.

There is a presentation of the gospel during the film, but I think the power of “Courageous” is more for waking up the sleepy, lackadaisical men in the pews rather than direct evangelism. On the other hand, an awful lot of people in our part of the country (here deep in the “Bible Belt”) who consider themselves Christian never seem to engage with Christ’s real calling on their lives, so maybe being challenged to live what they claim to believe will show them where they’re missing.

My recommendation–go see it with your teenagers, and if you miss it in the theater, get the DVD. It’s a good film. It may be too intense for younger children (and some of the older girls might find it distressing) but for the older ones, it’s worth seeing and discussing. Kudos to Sherwood Pictures for another well-made, thought provoking experience.

The story of the marriage of my grandparents is not a happily-ever-after one. My grandfather was an extremely difficult man to live with in his youth – a wild and angry man. Then after he repented and settled down, my grandmother suffered repeated cancers and back surgeries. They did not abandon each other through these challenges, though. They did their duty. Paid their vows – for themselves, for the Lord, and for us. They have lost almost all of their many siblings to death, helped a daughter through becoming a young widow, and loved and shepherded us all through heartbreaks, health breakdowns and job losses. Now in their eighties, my grandfather has Alzheimers’ and his health has declined to the point that he needs constant help.

Nana kept him at home as long as she could, but she was unable to pick him up when he kept falling down. Now he’s at a nursing home going through rehab. And yet the wife of his youth has not abandoned him in his old age. She is there every day – to feed him, to take him to the bathroom so he doesn’t need to lose his dignity, to bring him treats and happiness. What a lovely sight, to see her tender devotion to a man who no one would have once faulted her for running from. To see his once strong arms reach in trust and need to his wife, “Are you coming back soon?” To see her save him a piece of cake, “I’ll take this to Ray later. He always loved red velvet cake.” To see him cared for and clean and well-fed when so many were so lonely.

When I told Nana what a blessing this was for me, she told me how he had taken her from doctor to doctor and hospital to hospital when she had cancer, how he’d cared for her when she couldn’t. I thought of Ecclesiastes:

Two are better than one,

Because they have a good reward for their labor.

For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.

But woe to him who is alone when he falls,

For he has no one to help him up.

Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;

But how can one be warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.

And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

I commend to you Christian marriage. We are called to be a living picture of the eternal love between Christ and the church. Does it seem impossible to you? How can you love and sacrifice through all the hurt and hard times of this fallen world? I would recommend you see that your marriage is of three strands: the two of you and He is who is able to make us able to keep our vows.

Update: Since I first published this essay on another blog of ours in 2006, my grandfather has gone home to be with his Savior. Hal and the boys gloriously sang, “When the Roll is Called Up Yonder” at his funeral. He so loved to hear us sing! Even after Alzheimers had taken all his memory, when we would begin to sing, his voice would join in, the words flowing directly from the heart. My grandmother misses him terribly, but one day we will all be reunited and her faithfulness will be rewarded.

The study by professors at Baylor and Brigham Young University found that Islamic marriage traditions — multiple wives, dowries, and very expensive wedding ceremonies — means younger sons often find themselves short on resources and unable to meet cultural expectations to marry and raise sons. Choosing martyrdom offers social respect, a sensual afterlife according to Islam, and often, monetary compensation for his family when he dies.

For a third or fourth son, there may be no money left for a dowry, [BYU professor Valerie Hudson] explained. Thus he is unable to officially become a man as the head of a household and is racked with feelings of emasculation and humiliation.

“You get an appreciation for how desperate these individuals are,” [Baylor professor Brad Thayer] said. “If you put yourself in their shoes … they are individuals who think that people are going to be better off … when they’re gone.”

This is so well understood in the Middle East that terrorist organizations and governments have encouraged or even subsidized members to marry, in order to tone down uncontrollable elements in their already-radicalized ranks. 

(The article appeared in the 3/30 issue of The Desert News, linked here.)

Dearest Friends,

I didn’t think I could bear anything else right now, but my loving Father had a different plan and though I can not understand it, I accept it from His hand and trust Him to bring us through it.

I told some of you earlier this week about Hal’s pneumonia and Katie and others in the family sick, and two children having tonsillectomies today (they are home and utterly miserable, poor things) and another on Monday, all for sleep apnea. Oh, the business is pretty wild this week, too. Katie hasn’t gotten any better, so as soon as we got home from the hospital this afternoon, I took her to the doctor. While I was there, the radiologist report from Hal’s x-ray Wednesday for the pneumonia came back.

Hal has a large mass in his chest. Our wonderful doctor got him immediately in for a CT scan this evening and we are now awaiting the results. We don’t know yet what we are facing, but it doesn’t look good.

I am exhausted. I am devastated. Hal and I are best friends, partners in business, co-authors, constant companions, happy parents, and we have the best marriage on earth. At this point, I am clinging to the Lord; trusting Him to do what is best; trying hard to just hold His hand as a child trusts his parent.

We would be very grateful for your prayers.

I am thinking about this hymn a lot:

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

In every condition, in sickness, in health;
In poverty’s vale, or abounding in wealth;
At home and abroad, on the land, on the sea,
As thy days may demand, shall thy strength ever be.

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

Even down to old age all My people shall prove
My sovereign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And when hoary hairs shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs they shall still in My bosom be borne.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake. 

Amen.