When the philosopher, Aristippus of Cyrene, was asked some 400 years BC, what boys should be taught, he replied:

“Those things which they will use when men.”

Imbued with ancient wisdom, this response threatens to make a mockery of much which is taught in schools today.

Tragically, rather too many schools have lost sight of those things which will be used by our boys when they become men.  We have lost our focus on education in favour of a concentration on the esoteric, the political and the convenient.  Rather too much teaching is packaged in artificial curricula delivered in artificial settings giving artificial help for the future.

He identified ten life skills which are typically, if not universally, overlooked in the schools:

The ability to live in community and to forge good relationships.

The ability to communicate well.

The ability to know yourself and what you believe.

The ability to handle intimacy and sex.

The ability to control emotions and impulses.

The ability to manage financial matters.

The ability to do practical things, to clean, cook, make and mend.

The ability to be good mannered and to know etiquette.

The ability to accept responsibility.

The ability to be resilient and to deal with grief and loss

I’ve read the whole 23-page paper, and while I have some reservations or downright disagreements in some areas — I wouldn’t want my sons given a secularized, make-your-own-choice-just-be-polite form of sex education, for instance — I have to say he’s on target in many ways.  In fact, we address all of these issues in our book, but from a Biblical standpoint, not just a philosophical one.

(Interestingly for a secular educator, he suggests that a formal coming of age ceremony is a useful thing – another point we address in the book.)

One thing he doesn’t address — and in fact, he does at least touch on the necessity of some sort of spiritual training, though not specifically Christian — is implied in the very existence of his school and the IBSC organization.  In nearly every one of these topics, a boy will approach the issue from a distinctly different perspective than his sister … or his mom.  The desired educational goal may be the same at the end — he or she can cook, he or she can deal with disappointment, he or she has internalized and personalized their moral and spiritual frameworks.  However, I think we have to pull our kids out of the ditches on the opposite sides of the road.  I, as a father, have to step out of my “instinctive” response to effectively reach out to my young daughters; I have to speak more gently, deal with different emotional reactions, and so forth.  Mothers have to do the same to reach their sons.

And both mom and dad need to ask themselves — are we going to do any better job of teaching these life skills than the schools do?

(A more concise version of his presentation is available on The King’s School website.  This article omits some of the more debatable or objectionable ideas I found in the conference presentation.)

One of my favorite Founders is George Washington. There’s a whole mythology that sprung up around him, sure, but the reality is just as fascinating and more edifying. Two excellent biographies I’ve enjoyed are Joseph P. Ellis’ His Excellency, George Washington and Richard Brookhiser’s Founding Father: Rediscovering George Washington.  He really was a man of strong personal character, overcoming defeat, discouragement, anger and temptation, and becoming the absolutely indispensible man of the Revolution and the years that followed.

Henry Cabot Lodge wrote the chapter on Washington for Hero Tales from American History.  We’re continuing our reading of this book in this week’s podcast, and you get it pretty much as I read it to our children — but with some sound effects added for fun.  You can download it right here!

(Fun Fact:  Washington and Lee University in Lexington, Virginia, was saved from bankruptcy when Washington donated $20,000 in canal stock to the tiny school.  Even today, part of the tuition bill for every W&L student is paid from interest on Washington’s original legacy!)

The study by professors at Baylor and Brigham Young University found that Islamic marriage traditions — multiple wives, dowries, and very expensive wedding ceremonies — means younger sons often find themselves short on resources and unable to meet cultural expectations to marry and raise sons. Choosing martyrdom offers social respect, a sensual afterlife according to Islam, and often, monetary compensation for his family when he dies.

For a third or fourth son, there may be no money left for a dowry, [BYU professor Valerie Hudson] explained. Thus he is unable to officially become a man as the head of a household and is racked with feelings of emasculation and humiliation.

“You get an appreciation for how desperate these individuals are,” [Baylor professor Brad Thayer] said. “If you put yourself in their shoes … they are individuals who think that people are going to be better off … when they’re gone.”

This is so well understood in the Middle East that terrorist organizations and governments have encouraged or even subsidized members to marry, in order to tone down uncontrollable elements in their already-radicalized ranks. 

(The article appeared in the 3/30 issue of The Desert News, linked here.)

Where once the achievement of a driver’s license at the earliest possible moment was the goal of every teen, now many shy from the responsibility it carries, rather than grasping for the independence it offers. As many as 10 percent of twentysomethings have moved back in with their parents for economic or other reasons, according to a recent survey. Yet society’s belief that adolescents are hormone-driven and unable to assume adult roles without decades of formalized training is false, the Allens say, and it needs to be replaced with an appreciation for teenagers’ capabilities and practical means to cultivate them.

The authors attempt to exonerate parents for this state of affairs, but they clearly show parents are responsible for their children’s maturation. The problem may be that parents share the societal attitude that it’s OK to “take care of things” for their teens even if that means hindering their development. The school system doesn’t help, creating an unhealthy “bubble” of adolescents being socialized by their peers rather than by adults. A credential-driven business world has shut the door on many opportunities for young people to gain useful experience before graduating from high school or college, leaving students at loose ends and despairing of ever gaining adulthood through the multitudes of hoops erected in their path. Outrageous behavior like early sexual activity, substance abuse, or petty crime may be lunges at “adult” behaviors that can be attained immediately, rather than postponed for a decade in the misty future.

The Allens don’t identify the chicken vs. the egg here, but if pressed they probably would point to the changes in American communities since the Civil War. In rural society, teenagers were expected to handle meaningful roles on the family farm or with the family business, or to fulfill similar roles with the neighbors. Shifiting from an agricultural to an industrial economy demanded more formal education — in 1900 only 11 percent of eighth-graders went on to high school — and labor unions encouraged longer schooling to reduce the pool of young workers.

Now, rather than contribute to their family and community, teenagers find themselves largely surrounded by other teenagers. How would an adult feel about a job which only simulated “real work” day after day? they ask. That’s the high school experience. It offers a future some students find bleak, and others rebel against.

The Allens’ recommendations are “not complex, but … not obvious.” At the basic level, they urge steps to “put adulthood back into adolescence,” bringing teens into the adult world wherever possible, giving them challenges to master, and letting them suffer real consequences. The professors point out that students accustomed to arriving at class five minutes late without repercussions are dismayed to find that airlines operate with different rules. This can be taught to high schoolers, too.

It is not a blood-and-thunder kind of parenting book, though. Frankly, they say, few parents have the time to carry out high-intensity disciplinary regimens while taking care of work, family responsibilities, and other demands. “In contrast to parents’ highly limited time to spend on parenting,” they write, “a teenager … who wants to do something other than what his parents want is often able to devote something close to 24 hours per day, seven days per week to figuring out a way around parental rules. Adolescent creativity in such situations knows few bounds.”

The Allens’ key is to build adult-to-adult relationships with teenagers. In situations with strong parent-child relationships, often the children internalize their parents’ values and act accordingly, even in the absence of strict and enumerated rules. “Discipline,” after all, comes from the same root as “disciple” — a common observation in the Christian education community — and it calls for constant adult-level interaction, even if frequently rejected.

They single out the educational system for radical change, treading a fine line between the value of classical education and the “school as job training” model. Certainly our own state’s “Learn and Earn” program already makes a tacit acknowledgment that undergraduate coursework frequently duplicates high school classes, so why not go ahead with college if you’re motivated enough. In fact, the Allens propose abandoning the concept of high school as a four-year program and adopting a content-mastery model, with exit exams that allow students to receive a diploma as soon as they demonstrate a sufficient basic education. There is a whisper that a fundamental body of literacy and citizenship is most appropriate for teenagers, leaving the detailed studies of literature, history, and science for college or even later, rather than letting watered-down high school coursework delay entry into productive life.

There are some unanswered questions and omissions in the book. The authors, though parents of teenagers themselves, gather most of their information from their clinical settings. The composite case studies they give are frequently students already in trouble with authorities, involved with social services, or in foster care or group settings. They don’t address the role of fathers or their absence, and since there seem to be more boys than girls in the examples they give, that would be an interesting ground for inquiry. There is little discussion of the impact of religious community, though what is said is positive.

Overall, though, the Allens offer a reasoned and practically attainable approach to making adolescence a time of training and growth, rather than one of passivity and stagnation.

This review originally appeared in the January 2010 issue of Carolina Journal.

NOTE: Helping our sons to become men who are ready, willing and able to take on adulthood is a primary focus of our new book, Raising Real Men. We’d love for you to read a chapter. Just click the link in the left sidebar.

I think more and more people are discovering that a lot of that storm and stress is cultural. There’s no question that teenagers have different needs than their younger siblings: they’re going through physical changes that affect their emotions, they are yearning for independence long before their judgement matures, and unfortunately, our culture expects them to sit still and wait another decade or so before they become “useful members of society.” Some teenagers decide they’ve had enough of jumping through hoops to gain “credibility”, and just check out of the process. Psychologists Joseph and Claudia Allen, in their new book Escaping the Endless Adolescence, saying that “Twenty-five is the new fifteen,” observing that some of our college graduates act with the level of confusion and irresponsibility we used to associate with young teens!

But we’ve found that it doesn’t have to be that way. If you adopt the view that teenagers are just the youngest of young adults, and start to work with them on that basis, incredible things happen. We’ve seen in our own family and those nearby that teenagers are capable of all kinds of things. Just in our own business, we rely on teenagers to set up and maintain our websites and computer net, to do typesetting and graphic design, produce videos and CDs, and handle packing and shipping orders. Some of these are skills that no one but the teenagers have! And they run errands, watch siblings, and do much of the cooking, too. When they see that there is a real place for their real contributions, they rise to the occasion. Often, it just takes some understanding and wisdom on the part of their doorkeepers — us!

Today’s freebie is from Homeschool Group Leader.com, and they really get it. 18 Ways to Get Teenagers Onboard and Interactive by Kristen Fagala and Denise Hyde is a quick guide full of ideas that will work in your own family as well as support groups and church ministries. Why let all that energy and enthusiasm languish when you can guide it to productive use? As Kristen and Denise write,

Teen zeal can energize like nothing else. Teen apathy can discourage like nothing else. The desire to help teens rise above the threatening whirlpools of detachment, disinterest or dispassion to be all that God has called them to be is what motivates many parents and leaders of youth to get involved and seek answers. We pray that these 18 ideas for motivating your teen(s) to get onboard and become interactive with your group will keep you motivated, too.

This is a great resource, and it’s available for free right here!

Maybe you’re looking for a curriculum that is specifically aimed at your teenaged sons.  Have you considered Blessed Is The Man?  This is a high school unit study curriculum by Lynda and Lauren Coats is structured on the lessons of Psalm 1, verse by verse.  It’s designed to train young men for leadership in the family, community, and church, emphasizing the development of Godly character as well as academic skills.  It includes vocational and business units as well as most college-prep courses; you add the higher math and addition science, if desired. This is a $74.95 value and we’re going to give it to someone who is subscribed to our newsletter or signed up on our Facebook fan page.  If you’re on both, you get two chances!

EXCELLENCE - The Miracle on the Hudson: Decades of training and practice saved the lives of 155 people when Capt. Cheseley Sullenburger successfully landed his crippled airliner in the only clear spot in downtown Manhattan – the Hudson River.  A man who committed himself to doing his job right, and in the most stressful situation possible, did the right thing without losing his cool.

IMMATURITY – The Death of Michael Jackson: An entertainment phenomenon but a man who never really grew up, who surrounded himself with other people’s children, built his own amusement park, and made and squandered fortunes pursuing a Peter Pan ideal of never-ending childhood – and a bizarre one, at that.

COURAGE - You Do What You Have To Do: When a gunman opened fire in a nursing home, killing seven residents and a staff member, Officer Justin Garner of the Carthage (N.C.) Police Department entered the building and confronted the heavily armed suspect in a hallway, exchanging fire in a face-to-face showdown that left the killer wounded and under arrest.  Garner was the only officer on duty in the small town that Sunday morning.

LUST AND DECEPTION - This Life Will Self-Destruct in Five, Four, Three … : Tiger Woods was the model of a professional athlete – fantastic skill in competition, fantastic wealth from his commercial endorsements, and a squeaky clean reputation.  A really nice guy, just like South Carolina’s Governor Mark Sanford.  The governor was a social and fiscal conservative, proponent of school choice, family man and churchgoer.  There was talk of national opportunities, either for a presidential bid or as a strong VP candidate.

But both of them were caught in long-term adulterous affairs that not only wrecked their families but have likely ended Sanford’s career and ruined Tiger’s financial empire.  Be sure your sin will find you out.

DECISIVENESS -  When Seconds Count: Dutch filmmaker Jasper Schuringa’s prompt action separated a terrorist from his bomb and helped extinguish the fire it had started, thus preventing the destruction of a Northwest Airlines plane in December.

WEAKNESS - Not A “Profile In Courage”: As the Senate considered a health care bill plagued with loopholes, special exemptions, and provisions still to be determined, one senator stood in the path blocking immediate passage – Senator Ben Nelson (D-Nebraska).  Nelson, elected as a staunch pro-life candidate, refused to vote with his party if the bill did not include language blocking federal funding of abortion, like the Stupak amendment passed by the House.  After several weeks of principled opposition, Nelson suddenly rolled over in exchange for federal funding of his state’s Medicaid responsibilities.

SELF-SACRIFICE – Greater Love Hath No Man: Somali pirates stormed the Maersk Alabama off the coast of Africa.  Captain Richard Phillips persuaded them to release his 19-man crew and take him as their sole hostage.  He was rescued by Navy SEALs four days later.

OPTIMISM - Let Your Mind Dwell On These Things: Legendary radio broadcaster Paul Harvey died this year, finishing a 70-year career in radio and TV.  Harvey not only reported straight-up news but delighted in celebrating faithful marriages, sharing stories with uplifting themes, and honoring everyday heroes and humanitarians.  His syndicated radio programs reached over 25 million listeners each week with thoughtful and encouraging commentary.

GREED – More More More: Financier Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison after conviction for running an investment scam worth over $65 billion. Notable among his thousands of individual victims were a number of religious charities.  With his understanding of financial markets, how much legitimate good could he have done?

VIRTUE - Why the Surprise? University of Florida quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow startled reporters at a July press conference when one asked whether he was “saving himself for marriage” and he confidently replied “Yes, I am.”  When the reporter was too surprised to ask his follow on question, Tebow laughed and said, “I was ready for that question. I don’t think y’all were.”  The son of Christian missionaries has taken many public stands for traditional values and the Gospel.

Photo courtesy of Greg L., Wikimedia Commons

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her…”        Ephesians 5:25

A true man is to picture the love of Christ for His church in his love for his wife and children. He should love them to death. Literally. A man fulfilling God’s plan for marriage should be willing to die for his wife and children. That’s what is so repulsive about men who weasel out on their duty; men like the character in the story above, who fled the authorities leaving his infant unprotected and uncared for. There’s something in us that tells us that’s not what a man does. Even our fallen natures know it.