We are trying to “prep” our 13 year old son for an interview at our local history museum. He would like to volunteer there but they seem sceptical as to “why any 13 year old boy would want to” (according to the receptionist.) We will have our son speak for himself both in the areas of his knowledge of the Civil War but also for his character, to the director of the museum. Any suggestions?

My first thought is that of course a 13 year old who loves history wants to hang around a museum and talk about the Civil War all day. Makes perfect sense to me! It may not be “normal,” I’ll grant, but I tell our kids normal means “average” and I don’t intend to raise “average” kids.

It struck me that this is a perfect example of one of our society’s major failures — we don’t think our young people are capable of doing something useful, unless it fits restricted categories of yardwork, babysitting, and fast food jobs (now that bagging groceries, pumping gas, and delivering newspapers have gone out of fashion).

As a practical matter, we encouraged this family to do what they already planned — to let their young man speak for himself and take the initiative in contacting the museum and meeting with the director.  They might want to do some practice interviews at home, and ask the most obvious, undesireable questions (like, “Why in the world would a teenager want to spend his free time hanging around indoors at the museum? Aren’t you a little young to be talking with adult visitors?”) so he can gain confidence and figure out how to answer the tough ones.

[Side note: My experience has been, if there is a question you find yourself praying, "Lord, just don't let them ask that," then that is exactly the question you need to be ready to answer. This is true whether it's a final exam, a job interview, or a session on the CBS Evening News - and I've done all three.]

I’d suggest the museum think about Albert Woolson’s story. He was the last surviving veteran of the War Between The States, and he was just 14 when he enlisted as a drummer boy in the 1st Regiment, Minnesota Heavy Artillery, in 1864. He had a lot of company then, on both sides of the field, but he was the last man standing when he died in 1956.  Admiral David Farragut of the U.S. Navy was a seasoned veteran by the time he reached The Battle of Mobile Bay, but he was an 11-year-old midshipman on the USS Essex during the War of 1812 … just another example.

Surely if a young guy could serve in his nation’s army or navy at that age, don’t you think one could handle himself at the local history museum a couple of afternoons a week? Or maybe this museum doesn’t really need volunteers, to be so quick to turn one away?

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Do you or your son need a new vision of what young men can accomplish? Like some ideas for non-traditional jobs and projects that your student might consider? Our workshop “Do Real Things” might be just what you need. Order the CD for $5.00 and shipping.

Several years ago, a friend of ours decided to eliminate gender stereotypes from her children’s upbringing.

As it turned out, her kids weren’t buying it—neither one of them.

Much to Mom’s dismay, her little boy would drive the hapless doll around on its stomach making vroom-vroom sounds. His big sister, on the other hand, did pretend to drive the little trucks around the carpet, all while narrating a story of archaic domesticity: “Mommy’s putting the baby in the car seat, and they’re going to the grocery store!”

Though raised in a very up-to-date, trend-conscious family, these young children had a natural bent toward traditional gender roles. Sometimes gender “stereotypes” aren’t an evil invention of a patriarchal world but instead reflect tendencies built into us by a loving God. And we can use those tendencies—in fact, we ought to use them—to improve our homeschooling effectiveness.

What about the stereotype that boys like science and girls don’t? Maybe it’s not the subject but the way it’s presented. When researchers in Luxembourg asked a group of eighth- and ninth-grade students what they thought of a suggested science program for the coming year, they found that girls were more interested in science when scientific concepts were presented within the context of real-life feminine topics. Likewise, boys were more interested in science when scientific concepts were presented within the context of masculine topics:

Girls showed considerably more interest in topics such as “how a laser is used in cosmetic surgery” and “how to calculate the probability of a miscarriage” than in topics such as “how to calculate the force a rocket needs to take off” and “how to calculate the probability of a car accident.” One of the authors . . . said that girls were more interested in social and real contexts such as the decline of forests, whereas boys clearly found mechanics and technology more compelling.

When you introduce a scientific principle in your home school, can you think of different ways to apply it to appeal to your children? Let’s say you want to discuss heat, the expansion of gases, and their relationship to pressure. It’s equally valid to think of the forces exerted by steam in a locomotive boiler or a pressure cooker. The physical quality of fluid viscosity works the same with motor oil or vegetable oil. Ultrasound imaging is used for both non-destructive testing of mechanical parts and non-surgical diagnosis of soft-tissue injuries. In fact, when we show our children that scientific concepts–God’s physical laws–work the same on the kitchen counter as they do at Cape Canaveral, they will grow to appreciate the wonderful consistency of His creation.

How about the stereotype that girls like to read, and boys don’t? Sadly, there is plenty of statistical evidence for this school of thought. Boys are in fact reading less and getting less benefit from it than ever before. Last year I interviewed several school and public librarians who were stocking their shelves with dozens, even hundreds, of Japanese comic books in a desperate attempt to get boys to read something. Anything. One librarian told me, “A solid quarter to third of what I circulate is graphic novels,” mostly to boys. The catalog of the public libraries of Charlotte, N.C., lists more than 600 titles of manga alone.

This is not just an American concern. The Paris-based Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development found that in 2009 girls were, on average, a full year ahead of their male classmates in reading proficiency in every one of the sixty-five countries studied.

However, the problem may be that librarians and teachers have misjudged what is appropriate reading for boys. Sociologist Morris Massey describes schoolboys on a playground arguing about the wingspan, airspeed, and engine thrust of the different airplanes flying overhead, then dejectedly leaving recess to go string beads indoors. No teacher would assign such technically advanced information for second-graders, but the kids will eagerly dig it out for themselves if the subject grabs their attention.

We’ve seen this over and over with our six sons. If they have a personal passion for a subject, they will willingly plow into the most remarkable books. We’ve had sons who researched transcripts of Constitutional debates in our state in order to write a script for a video project. (It didn’t hurt that they won a prize for it!) Our children have acquired startling amounts of information about reptiles, fish, European military history, web design, and application programming simply because they had an interest these subjects.

Maybe instead of assigning predigested textbooks and anthologies, you can point your young learners to popular histories, biographies, and topical books from the adult section of the library—the same ones you might read to feed your own curiosity. Well-written novels like historical fiction by G. A. Henty and first-person accounts by explorers, missionaries, generals, and presidents introduce history in an engaging way (and beef up kids’ vocabulary, too). Practical manuals on subjects like carpentry, electrical wiring, or yard maintenance will provide them with hands-on application of physics, chemistry, and geometry.

We must be alert to the unique character God has built into each one of our children. Maybe Susan wants to learn biology by studying horses and wildflowers, while Robert prefers to think about dinosaurs and amoebas. Or maybe it’s the other way around. The key is to embrace the student for the unique person he or she is, not for the demographic others may think they represent.

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Along with his other projects and duties, Hal is the editor of Apologia Educational Ministries’s monthly newsletter, Apologia World. This article originally appeared in the October 2011 issue.

You can subscribe to their free monthly e-newsletter here! 

The gist of the study by Dr. Carlos Santos of Arizona State University suggested that boys who “resist” male stereotypes and are close to their mothers grow up with better mental health.  There’s lots of room for discussion here — starting with who defines “healthy” and what it looks like in the researcher’s mind!  The study focused on middle school students, prior to the tremendous physical and emotional changes that take place in later adolescence.  There’s also the implicit belief that it’s somehow wrong or unhealthy for men to have emotional reserve.  I prefer to think of it as self-control, and if you think that’s not crucial to solid manhood, you haven’t considered the alternative.

The problem with the headline and the assumption underlying it is that a boy or man who talks about feelings is somehow soft, effeminate … a wimp.  Isn’t that the image of “mama’s boy”?  Obviously, some people would appreciate a wimpier sort of manhood – after all, look at the popularity of pouty actors who start as teenagers and never seem to grow out of it.  But I believe most men reject that ideal as too squishy for our own self-respect … hence the stereotype of cold, emotionally distant men.

The problem, I believe, is balance.  There is a strong, active, aggressive pattern for mature manhood as described in Scripture and through history.  Some aspects of the stereotype are really what we want in men.  We want them to be hard working, ambitious, willing to take considered risks, willing to suffer hardship, willing to stand alone or to lead family, church, community, business.

We need to be teaching our sons to control their emotions on the one hand, not to be overwhelmed and carried about by them — while showing them to understand, accept, and communicate those feelings appropriately.  Consider strong, adventurous, entrepreneurial men who were also gentle, kind, and affectionate — especially toward Mom.  Robert E. Lee and Theodore Roosevelt were warriors, men of tremendous courage, able to inspire men to charge into the very jaws of death — and were known for their tenderness toward their mothers, wives, and children.  Jesus Christ, the perfect Man, walked through angry crowds, confronted greed and hypocrisy in the seats of power, and knowingly embraced His own death — yet He wept at the death of a friend, and attracted the love of the innocents, the weak, the downtrodden and children.  Come to think of it, one of His dying acts was to provide for the care of His mother.  He was a man of perfect balance.

We can raise our sons for that ideal, as well.  We don’t need to tell them big boys don’t cry — sometimes they do, and ought to.  Instead, we need to teach them when and where.  They need our help gaining perspective.  I’ve noticed toddlers fall down and look quickly to Mom or Dad, as if to ask, “Am I okay?”  If there’s no obvious injury, I try to show them it’s just your average mishap.  “Wow, that’s a big noise.  Hop up and come over here,” rather than “Oh! You poor thing!”  When they’re angry with a brother or their feelings get hurt, coach them.  “Okay, son, that’s not a reason to cry.  Suck it up and let’s move on.”  If they want to discuss it, we encourage them to talk it out – but not to weep and wail.  They need to see Dad dealing with his own emotions, whether anger, disappointment, love or fear, and see an example of balance in his life to instruct their own.

There are times to let the tears flow.  Funerals, weddings, the birth of a child, true cataclysms like the loss of a country or a major catastrophe.  Our sons need to know that’s the time it’s okay to let the bars down.  But in the daily struggle of life, and the heat of the moment when a man needs to step up and deal with the situation, I want them to have the self control to do what must be done.  A man in a passion rides a wild horse, someone said; I want my sons to keep close hold of the reins, so that even in those high-charged moments, he stays firmly in his saddle!

When the philosopher, Aristippus of Cyrene, was asked some 400 years BC, what boys should be taught, he replied:

“Those things which they will use when men.”

Imbued with ancient wisdom, this response threatens to make a mockery of much which is taught in schools today.

Tragically, rather too many schools have lost sight of those things which will be used by our boys when they become men.  We have lost our focus on education in favour of a concentration on the esoteric, the political and the convenient.  Rather too much teaching is packaged in artificial curricula delivered in artificial settings giving artificial help for the future.

He identified ten life skills which are typically, if not universally, overlooked in the schools:

The ability to live in community and to forge good relationships.

The ability to communicate well.

The ability to know yourself and what you believe.

The ability to handle intimacy and sex.

The ability to control emotions and impulses.

The ability to manage financial matters.

The ability to do practical things, to clean, cook, make and mend.

The ability to be good mannered and to know etiquette.

The ability to accept responsibility.

The ability to be resilient and to deal with grief and loss

I’ve read the whole 23-page paper, and while I have some reservations or downright disagreements in some areas — I wouldn’t want my sons given a secularized, make-your-own-choice-just-be-polite form of sex education, for instance — I have to say he’s on target in many ways.  In fact, we address all of these issues in our book, but from a Biblical standpoint, not just a philosophical one.

(Interestingly for a secular educator, he suggests that a formal coming of age ceremony is a useful thing – another point we address in the book.)

One thing he doesn’t address — and in fact, he does at least touch on the necessity of some sort of spiritual training, though not specifically Christian — is implied in the very existence of his school and the IBSC organization.  In nearly every one of these topics, a boy will approach the issue from a distinctly different perspective than his sister … or his mom.  The desired educational goal may be the same at the end — he or she can cook, he or she can deal with disappointment, he or she has internalized and personalized their moral and spiritual frameworks.  However, I think we have to pull our kids out of the ditches on the opposite sides of the road.  I, as a father, have to step out of my “instinctive” response to effectively reach out to my young daughters; I have to speak more gently, deal with different emotional reactions, and so forth.  Mothers have to do the same to reach their sons.

And both mom and dad need to ask themselves — are we going to do any better job of teaching these life skills than the schools do?

(A more concise version of his presentation is available on The King’s School website.  This article omits some of the more debatable or objectionable ideas I found in the conference presentation.)

I think more and more people are discovering that a lot of that storm and stress is cultural. There’s no question that teenagers have different needs than their younger siblings: they’re going through physical changes that affect their emotions, they are yearning for independence long before their judgement matures, and unfortunately, our culture expects them to sit still and wait another decade or so before they become “useful members of society.” Some teenagers decide they’ve had enough of jumping through hoops to gain “credibility”, and just check out of the process. Psychologists Joseph and Claudia Allen, in their new book Escaping the Endless Adolescence, saying that “Twenty-five is the new fifteen,” observing that some of our college graduates act with the level of confusion and irresponsibility we used to associate with young teens!

But we’ve found that it doesn’t have to be that way. If you adopt the view that teenagers are just the youngest of young adults, and start to work with them on that basis, incredible things happen. We’ve seen in our own family and those nearby that teenagers are capable of all kinds of things. Just in our own business, we rely on teenagers to set up and maintain our websites and computer net, to do typesetting and graphic design, produce videos and CDs, and handle packing and shipping orders. Some of these are skills that no one but the teenagers have! And they run errands, watch siblings, and do much of the cooking, too. When they see that there is a real place for their real contributions, they rise to the occasion. Often, it just takes some understanding and wisdom on the part of their doorkeepers — us!

Today’s freebie is from Homeschool Group Leader.com, and they really get it. 18 Ways to Get Teenagers Onboard and Interactive by Kristen Fagala and Denise Hyde is a quick guide full of ideas that will work in your own family as well as support groups and church ministries. Why let all that energy and enthusiasm languish when you can guide it to productive use? As Kristen and Denise write,

Teen zeal can energize like nothing else. Teen apathy can discourage like nothing else. The desire to help teens rise above the threatening whirlpools of detachment, disinterest or dispassion to be all that God has called them to be is what motivates many parents and leaders of youth to get involved and seek answers. We pray that these 18 ideas for motivating your teen(s) to get onboard and become interactive with your group will keep you motivated, too.

This is a great resource, and it’s available for free right here!

Maybe you’re looking for a curriculum that is specifically aimed at your teenaged sons.  Have you considered Blessed Is The Man?  This is a high school unit study curriculum by Lynda and Lauren Coats is structured on the lessons of Psalm 1, verse by verse.  It’s designed to train young men for leadership in the family, community, and church, emphasizing the development of Godly character as well as academic skills.  It includes vocational and business units as well as most college-prep courses; you add the higher math and addition science, if desired. This is a $74.95 value and we’re going to give it to someone who is subscribed to our newsletter or signed up on our Facebook fan page.  If you’re on both, you get two chances!

Dear Friends and Family,

Hal and I spent the day at Duke today consulting with the oncologist and thoracic surgeon. There is a very large tumor behind Hal’s breastbone. It is providential that it is in this site because if it were *anywhere* else, he could not have had a tumor this large and not known it, so we know it was meant to be that we are in this situation. We are thanking God for pneumonia! There is no way we could have known without it. We must trust God that He has a purpose in this situation. We are back to Duke on Monday for a PET scan then Hal will have a surgical biopsy on Tuesday. Because of the location of the tumor, it is going to be difficult to get to. We should have answers the week after Christmas. Please pray that Hal will be diagnosed quickly, that the cancer will not have spread, that it is treatable and that treatment may begin quickly.

As for the rest of the family, it’s pretty tough there, too. When I write all this stuff down, it seems funny it’s so bad Our tonsillectomy patients are pretty miserable and are having a difficult time drinking enough to stay hydrated. My mother said David was crying during the night last night and Susannah was very unhappy this morning.  Miserable just doesn’t do it justice for Caleb. His face and neck are swollen and painful. He is on very strong narcotics and is still in so much pain he struggles to swallow a spoonful of milkshake. Please pray for him. I am feeling very torn – everybody needs me and I
can’t be everywhere.

Everyone else is now sick, including Matthew and me. I keep hoping each day will mean improvement, but it hasn’t so far. The sick ones alternate feeling okay with chills, fever, sore throat and coughing jags.

Hal’s mother has been here since Friday and she will be going home tomorrow, to return next week, we hope. She and my mother have been a blessed help in all of this.

There is good news, though! John Calvin is returning home tonight and is only a couple of hours away. We long to be together with him and are just praying he stays well – I’ll need for someone to care for Katie at the hospital next week!

We are also seeing some amazing things happening in our ministry. A Christian bookstore in Singapore asked us about a month ago to ship them a case (52) of our book. We were worried that she’d have them forever, but last week she wrote she’d sold 40 in the 3 days after she reviewed it on her blog and then the rest shortly thereafter. She asked me to ship her 30 more. I heard tonight that she’s already sold 25 of them and they haven’t even left the states yet! How amazing that God is using our words on the other side of the world!

Finally, it is a tremendous blessing how the people of God have rallied around us. We have received many wonderful meals, paper products, snacks, groceries, and more. The words of prayer and encouragement you have spoken on the phone, in email, on Facebook and Twitter and in person have been balm to our souls and I don’t know how we would have made it through the last few days without them. Thank you so much, dear ones.

What is the best way to hear what’s going on? We’ll be posting short updates on Facebook and Twitter. We’ll be writing about how this affects the boys as well as our philosophical musings and stories here at our Raising Real Men blog. We have also put together a Carepage for those who want to be sure to keep up with what’s going on with Hal. Click here for Hal’s Carepage. You need to click “Become a Member” and establish a password for yourself, but they will not spam you. They will send you a notice when we post an update and that is a blessing to us when we need to get a prayer request out urgently.

Your love and the love of God sustains us,
Melanie

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Refrain

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Refrain

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

Refrain

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

Refrain

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Refrain
–
Hal and Melanie Young
Raising Real Men: Surviving, Teaching and Appreciating Boys
http://raisingrealmen.com Read a Chapter!
http://facebook.com/raisingrealmen
http://twitter.com/raisingrealmen

Raising Real Men includes the recipe with the important ingredients to raising Christian, bold, strong and brave men who are willing to make a difference in this world. They answer questions such as, “Why should one allow young boys to be rough and tumble” and “How to influence and teach our sons life’s most important principles during the impressionable years.”

I especially appreciated the chapter “Who’s in Charge Here” explaining Biblical leadership and how to teach our sons to one day be Godly leaders.  The Young’s carefully explain how to teach this principle such as public speaking opportunities, starting when they are small, and how we should be the Godly leaders we wish to see our son’s emulate.

This is an excellent read for parents who are raising one or more boys hoping to shape them into strong, righteous, real men.

Shiloah Baker

Homemaking Cottage

An adventure is really anything that involves risk.  A careless risk undertaken thoughtlessly or in pursuit of a thrill is recklessness, but a hazard confronted for the glory of God is a different matter altogether.  This desire in our sons can be met by teaching them to face their fears head on-by public speaking or by taking on the responsibility of an adult or by learning to swim.  It can be fed rappelling down a cliff or walking ten miles or interacting in a foreign language.  It certainly includes sharing the gospel – nearly always an adventure.  Teach your sons to take good risks, reasonable, godly risks.  Teach them to love godly adventure and stand back and see what God has in mind for them!

If you have boys, and you want to raise them to be Godly, real men, this is a must read. Your guys are only young for a short time, so why not equip yourself with the knowledge the Youngs share.  They know what it’s like to walk in your shoes in the wonderful world of boys.

Kathy Davis
www.homeschoolbuzz.com